Thought is was getting better. Clearly I was mistaken

It has to get worse before it gets better is what I hear all the time and silly me I thought it was getting better. Boy was I wrong. Why do people think that I chose this for me and Nyali? Like I wanted her father to do the things he is doing. Why would I want Nyali to go through life with two different houses, two different sets of holidays and family she has to choose between. I never wanted that for her. That's why I married her father in the first place, well that an I love him. Yeah I love him sill, not so many of the same reasons but I do still love him.

I don't want to be alone in the upbringing of our daughter or just alone for that matter. I didn't want to live with my parents again. I don't want to wonder how or who is going to help me watch the baby so I can work. That was all supposed to be easier. It was supposed to be him and I forever teaching our baby and watching her grow. Now it's just me and the family I have supporting me here. Their support is awesome but it's just not the same. He is supposed to enjoy pushing her on the swing and taking her down the slide. Coming home to her after a day of work and scooping her up into his arms, that is what he should be doing.

I really thought I was getting out of my funk. You know taking Nyali to the park everyday. Talking to friends again enjoying other peoples company, normal things. Then I get the blow that I wanted this(this life). That I am not doing everything in my power to make my life better. What else can I do? I do house work and yard work, play with Nyali, teaching her new things and make sure she is healthy and happy. How else, (besides taking handouts and using the welfare system, pretty much doing things less than what I am doing now) do I try to make our lives better? I had a job just a week ago but lost the only vehicle I could drive and had to quit till I get a car. Even working there I was only able to work 10 hrs a week because I cannot afford day care. If I get a job full-time then I will be paying a babysitter 75-80% of my paycheck every week. But if I don't then I am being "lazy". Maybe its because these people who think I'm a good for nothing mom, don't understand how hard it is to find someone that wont neglect your child or one that can possibly babysit for cheap or even free. They don't know that taking care of a baby all day every day with no break is more than a job. It's a life that you don't get to run away from. A life that needs more than just a paycheck. It needs love, appreciation, and support. With out even just one of those it falls apart. Now why don't they leave me alone. Let me do what I know how to do, love my daughter with all of my heart and give her exactly what she needs. Right now she needs her mom. Guess what, that is me and will never be anyone else. No one else can give her what I can. No other woman will ever fill my shoes, or the place I have in her life.

It's a set back when one of your family members tells you that you are being selfish. I'm selfish? The one that does everything for her child, and never does anything she wants to do like go out for an evening to spend some time with friends, go to a movie she is longing to see, or even sleep in for 30 minutes in the morning or go to bed early at night. I make sure Nyali always has me in the morning when she is ready for her day, even when I'm tired and worn out. I make sure she always has clean clothes for the next day, which means I stay up late doing laundry. Washing dishes, picking up her toys, reading her books, watching her favorite movies over and over (Blue's clues) just so she has a better day than the last. Shopping on the cheapest clearance rack or not shopping at all just so she might be able to get a new outfit. She even eats better than me. I eat what I can find when she is done eating what she can. I don't over indulge on over priced sodas or even a cheap bottle of wine for a relaxing bath. I do all things for Nyali. And they call me a bad mother?