Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Posted by Manda at 5:19 PM
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
I am sitting in my living room listening to music wondering what on earth I am going to do next. There are so many things I don't understand and probably never will. I know that I am alone in the parenting of Nyali, and Im finally getting used to it(if that is even possible). What Im not getting used to is how will I ever let this "other woman" even look at my child. I hate the thought of Nyali calling her mom or even step-mom. Im hoping she will always call her Ms. Rochelle.
What do I do next? Where do I go from here? How do I trust someone with not only my heart but with Nyalis'? She deserves so much more than a man that only says he will be there. She deserves a man that will actually be there no matter what! This beautiful little girl shouldn't have to be going through this crap. Is this my fault? Did I make her life harder than it should be? Could I have changed anything? Isn't there anyone out there that can give me some real answers? My childhood was horrible, I never wanted that for Nyali.
Darren had his first wife's house checked by CPS today. He said that her house was hazardous for Denali to live in. Is he going to try and pull that crap with me? Is that how far he will go to take my child from me? Does he really think I am no good for her? Does he think that I am going to let him take her from me? Is he really that conniving?
I am tormented every day with the decision I have made. I made that decision because I know its the best thing I can do for me and Nyali. I tried so very hard to keep my marriage alive but I wasn't good enough. I now cry night after night because I know I was not good enough for him. From the day he said I do, he had ideas of how to leave us. I found out about the lying and told him no more. I put my foot down and will keep my foot down.
What do I do next? How do I pick up the pieces of my broken life and put them back together?
I have just read a post from a very dear friend from California. Mellissa is the best person for giving advice even though she has no idea she is doing it. Mellissa this is for you!
I need to put my love and belief back in the Lord. There was a time that I was happy and He is the reason for that happiness. I have forgotten that even with the heart ache and the depression, He will always be there for me. I can not see Him but I know He is there. His Son and the Holy Ghost as well. I am not alone. My friends may have all deserted me but He never will. He tells us that in every scripture we read. I need to give it all up to Him. With His grace and love me and Nyali will see things through. There will be times when I don't think I can go on and times when I will want to give Darren everything he wants, but that is when I will quietly sit and bow my head, and ask Him for the strength to continue. If there is going to be a happy ending it is through Him. I know he will guide me through my choices and I know they will be the correct ones. I know that He is worthy of our hearts.
I am not going to be conniving and hateful. Not anymore. I can't live this way for ever. I will prosper because I am in the right. I will no longer pass judgement on things I cannot change. Its not me that has to answer for this. I have done nothing wrong therefore should not beat myself up about it any longer.
Posted by Manda at 6:39 PM
Monday, September 7, 2009
I winder what I am going to do on my one year anniversary. I wonder if he will be taking her out on that day. I wonder if it will even matter to him that one year has passed since we said "I will" on the sandy beach of South Carolina. I wonder if that day is going to come and go like nother ever happened or if I am goingt o break down. On September 19 I wonder who is going to be by my side and help me through. I guess I will only know when the day comes.
Posted by Manda at 8:56 AM
Sunday, September 6, 2009
This week we received the Your Baby Can Read learning dvds. Nyali likes them okay but she likes Blue's Clues better. I hope that she learns to like them better cuz man is it expensive. We will see if she learns anything. :) Today, we went to the water park and played in the kiddi pools. She did freeze when we took her out of the pool and went for a ride in the lazy river. She almost got a black eye today. Actually right next to her eye is bruised. I have no idea how it happened either. One minute she is playing just fine then the next she is screaming so loud. Then poof there is a bruise. She is getting a little closer to using her potty every day. Yay I can't wait till we have no more poopy diapers in the trash. Over the last few days she has began saying may new things. Hello, baby, whats that, yeah, bubba, and Grandpa over and over and over again. She is so funny. She loves her grandpa so very much. She looked in her changing table cabinet and said "Bampa"? I said no honey he isn't there. She ran out of the room yelling "Bampa! Bampa! Bampa!" Its so funy. Maybe I can get her on video so every one can hear how adorable she gets when she is looking for him. She has started singing in the car with the music and dancing in her car seat.
I want all those who have supported us, in our new way of life, to know that I am very grateful and appreciate all of the prayers. We wouldn't be able to get through the day with out you all. We love you very much and hope to see you all soon! (probably not real soon but you know what I mean)
Posted by Manda at 6:01 PM
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
It has to get worse before it gets better is what I hear all the time and silly me I thought it was getting better. Boy was I wrong. Why do people think that I chose this for me and Nyali? Like I wanted her father to do the things he is doing. Why would I want Nyali to go through life with two different houses, two different sets of holidays and family she has to choose between. I never wanted that for her. That's why I married her father in the first place, well that an I love him. Yeah I love him sill, not so many of the same reasons but I do still love him.
I don't want to be alone in the upbringing of our daughter or just alone for that matter. I didn't want to live with my parents again. I don't want to wonder how or who is going to help me watch the baby so I can work. That was all supposed to be easier. It was supposed to be him and I forever teaching our baby and watching her grow. Now it's just me and the family I have supporting me here. Their support is awesome but it's just not the same. He is supposed to enjoy pushing her on the swing and taking her down the slide. Coming home to her after a day of work and scooping her up into his arms, that is what he should be doing.
I really thought I was getting out of my funk. You know taking Nyali to the park everyday. Talking to friends again enjoying other peoples company, normal things. Then I get the blow that I wanted this(this life). That I am not doing everything in my power to make my life better. What else can I do? I do house work and yard work, play with Nyali, teaching her new things and make sure she is healthy and happy. How else, (besides taking handouts and using the welfare system, pretty much doing things less than what I am doing now) do I try to make our lives better? I had a job just a week ago but lost the only vehicle I could drive and had to quit till I get a car. Even working there I was only able to work 10 hrs a week because I cannot afford day care. If I get a job full-time then I will be paying a babysitter 75-80% of my paycheck every week. But if I don't then I am being "lazy". Maybe its because these people who think I'm a good for nothing mom, don't understand how hard it is to find someone that wont neglect your child or one that can possibly babysit for cheap or even free. They don't know that taking care of a baby all day every day with no break is more than a job. It's a life that you don't get to run away from. A life that needs more than just a paycheck. It needs love, appreciation, and support. With out even just one of those it falls apart. Now why don't they leave me alone. Let me do what I know how to do, love my daughter with all of my heart and give her exactly what she needs. Right now she needs her mom. Guess what, that is me and will never be anyone else. No one else can give her what I can. No other woman will ever fill my shoes, or the place I have in her life.
It's a set back when one of your family members tells you that you are being selfish. I'm selfish? The one that does everything for her child, and never does anything she wants to do like go out for an evening to spend some time with friends, go to a movie she is longing to see, or even sleep in for 30 minutes in the morning or go to bed early at night. I make sure Nyali always has me in the morning when she is ready for her day, even when I'm tired and worn out. I make sure she always has clean clothes for the next day, which means I stay up late doing laundry. Washing dishes, picking up her toys, reading her books, watching her favorite movies over and over (Blue's clues) just so she has a better day than the last. Shopping on the cheapest clearance rack or not shopping at all just so she might be able to get a new outfit. She even eats better than me. I eat what I can find when she is done eating what she can. I don't over indulge on over priced sodas or even a cheap bottle of wine for a relaxing bath. I do all things for Nyali. And they call me a bad mother?
Posted by Manda at 6:07 PM
Monday, August 24, 2009
When she gets two pieces at at time the look is priceless. She starts laughing and dancing in her seat. My little girl the pizza lover!
"See mom aren't you glad we didn't have boring chicken and rice?" I can imagine that going on in her head.
Oh my! Then she found the Hooters socks Emili was selling in the yard sale. Now her head and her arms and legs were going to be super warm in the 99 degree weather.
Posted by Manda at 6:12 PM
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Laughing at random things is her favorite game to play. I love it when she gets so excited and laughs louder than ever.
Nyali got her very own potty today. She knows that it is for her but we haven't got any potty in it yet. We are excited to get rid of those stinkin diapers. Man are they getting expensive. Anyway, sorry it has taken so long to get more pictures up. Been a little lazy, but there is no excuse for my laziness. Hope you have all enjoed the photos. Trying my hardest to take more.
Posted by Manda at 8:58 PM