I love this picture! All of us girls(sisters) pretty as Princesses. That was so long ago. Things have shanged and half of us don't speak to eachother anymore. I guess time changes even family. Some times I wish that it didn't but others Im glad that is has. I love my sisters and always will. But this is my family when we were young, when things were simpler, and that was all we needed. Now things are more complex, we are older, and we think we need more than we do. Will we ever just be happy with the things we have? Probably not.

Thinking of what to do next...

I am sitting in my living room listening to music wondering what on earth I am going to do next. There are so many things I don't understand and probably never will. I know that I am alone in the parenting of Nyali, and Im finally getting used to it(if that is even possible). What Im not getting used to is how will I ever let this "other woman" even look at my child. I hate the thought of Nyali calling her mom or even step-mom. Im hoping she will always call her Ms. Rochelle.

What do I do next? Where do I go from here? How do I trust someone with not only my heart but with Nyalis'? She deserves so much more than a man that only says he will be there. She deserves a man that will actually be there no matter what! This beautiful little girl shouldn't have to be going through this crap. Is this my fault? Did I make her life harder than it should be? Could I have changed anything? Isn't there anyone out there that can give me some real answers? My childhood was horrible, I never wanted that for Nyali.

Darren had his first wife's house checked by CPS today. He said that her house was hazardous for Denali to live in. Is he going to try and pull that crap with me? Is that how far he will go to take my child from me? Does he really think I am no good for her? Does he think that I am going to let him take her from me? Is he really that conniving?

I am tormented every day with the decision I have made. I made that decision because I know its the best thing I can do for me and Nyali. I tried so very hard to keep my marriage alive but I wasn't good enough. I now cry night after night because I know I was not good enough for him. From the day he said I do, he had ideas of how to leave us. I found out about the lying and told him no more. I put my foot down and will keep my foot down.

What do I do next? How do I pick up the pieces of my broken life and put them back together?

I have just read a post from a very dear friend from California. Mellissa is the best person for giving advice even though she has no idea she is doing it. Mellissa this is for you!

I need to put my love and belief back in the Lord. There was a time that I was happy and He is the reason for that happiness. I have forgotten that even with the heart ache and the depression, He will always be there for me. I can not see Him but I know He is there. His Son and the Holy Ghost as well. I am not alone. My friends may have all deserted me but He never will. He tells us that in every scripture we read. I need to give it all up to Him. With His grace and love me and Nyali will see things through. There will be times when I don't think I can go on and times when I will want to give Darren everything he wants, but that is when I will quietly sit and bow my head, and ask Him for the strength to continue. If there is going to be a happy ending it is through Him. I know he will guide me through my choices and I know they will be the correct ones. I know that He is worthy of our hearts.

I am not going to be conniving and hateful. Not anymore. I can't live this way for ever. I will prosper because I am in the right. I will no longer pass judgement on things I cannot change. Its not me that has to answer for this. I have done nothing wrong therefore should not beat myself up about it any longer.

I wonder...

I winder what I am going to do on my one year anniversary. I wonder if he will be taking her out on that day. I wonder if it will even matter to him that one year has passed since we said "I will" on the sandy beach of South Carolina. I wonder if that day is going to come and go like nother ever happened or if I am goingt o break down. On September 19 I wonder who is going to be by my side and help me through. I guess I will only know when the day comes.

Just a verbal update on every ones favorite little monster!

This week we received the Your Baby Can Read learning dvds. Nyali likes them okay but she likes Blue's Clues better. I hope that she learns to like them better cuz man is it expensive. We will see if she learns anything. :) Today, we went to the water park and played in the kiddi pools. She did freeze when we took her out of the pool and went for a ride in the lazy river. She almost got a black eye today. Actually right next to her eye is bruised. I have no idea how it happened either. One minute she is playing just fine then the next she is screaming so loud. Then poof there is a bruise. She is getting a little closer to using her potty every day. Yay I can't wait till we have no more poopy diapers in the trash. Over the last few days she has began saying may new things. Hello, baby, whats that, yeah, bubba, and Grandpa over and over and over again. She is so funny. She loves her grandpa so very much. She looked in her changing table cabinet and said "Bampa"? I said no honey he isn't there. She ran out of the room yelling "Bampa! Bampa! Bampa!" Its so funy. Maybe I can get her on video so every one can hear how adorable she gets when she is looking for him. She has started singing in the car with the music and dancing in her car seat.

I want all those who have supported us, in our new way of life, to know that I am very grateful and appreciate all of the prayers. We wouldn't be able to get through the day with out you all. We love you very much and hope to see you all soon! (probably not real soon but you know what I mean)