I am sitting in my living room listening to music wondering what on earth I am going to do next. There are so many things I don't understand and probably never will. I know that I am alone in the parenting of Nyali, and Im finally getting used to it(if that is even possible). What Im not getting used to is how will I ever let this "other woman" even look at my child. I hate the thought of Nyali calling her mom or even step-mom. Im hoping she will always call her Ms. Rochelle.
What do I do next? Where do I go from here? How do I trust someone with not only my heart but with Nyalis'? She deserves so much more than a man that only says he will be there. She deserves a man that will actually be there no matter what! This beautiful little girl shouldn't have to be going through this crap. Is this my fault? Did I make her life harder than it should be? Could I have changed anything? Isn't there anyone out there that can give me some real answers? My childhood was horrible, I never wanted that for Nyali.
Darren had his first wife's house checked by CPS today. He said that her house was hazardous for Denali to live in. Is he going to try and pull that crap with me? Is that how far he will go to take my child from me? Does he really think I am no good for her? Does he think that I am going to let him take her from me? Is he really that conniving?
I am tormented every day with the decision I have made. I made that decision because I know its the best thing I can do for me and Nyali. I tried so very hard to keep my marriage alive but I wasn't good enough. I now cry night after night because I know I was not good enough for him. From the day he said I do, he had ideas of how to leave us. I found out about the lying and told him no more. I put my foot down and will keep my foot down.
What do I do next? How do I pick up the pieces of my broken life and put them back together?
I have just read a post from a very dear friend from California. Mellissa is the best person for giving advice even though she has no idea she is doing it. Mellissa this is for you!
I need to put my love and belief back in the Lord. There was a time that I was happy and He is the reason for that happiness. I have forgotten that even with the heart ache and the depression, He will always be there for me. I can not see Him but I know He is there. His Son and the Holy Ghost as well. I am not alone. My friends may have all deserted me but He never will. He tells us that in every scripture we read. I need to give it all up to Him. With His grace and love me and Nyali will see things through. There will be times when I don't think I can go on and times when I will want to give Darren everything he wants, but that is when I will quietly sit and bow my head, and ask Him for the strength to continue. If there is going to be a happy ending it is through Him. I know he will guide me through my choices and I know they will be the correct ones. I know that He is worthy of our hearts.
I am not going to be conniving and hateful. Not anymore. I can't live this way for ever. I will prosper because I am in the right. I will no longer pass judgement on things I cannot change. Its not me that has to answer for this. I have done nothing wrong therefore should not beat myself up about it any longer.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Thinking of what to do next...
Posted by Manda at 6:39 PM
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1 comments:
Manda, i usually keep my mouth shut, and i KNOW Darren is not perfect, but you have to wake up and take responsibility for some of your choices. We are free to make choices, but the consequences come whether we want them or not. You can not blame darren for everything, you were there you chose to live with him, have a baby by him, and marry him. You know very well he will not call cps on you and you know the situation denali is in is not what nyali is in! Seriously i am so frustrated with your comments. I know your life is hard, i cannot imagine being a single mom, but you need to accept it and move on. Stop trying to make everything so difficult and the world is out to get you. (if you really want the best for nyali, give her the love and knowledge she needs.) Do you remember when you lived here and told me you were soooooo happy and soo loved my brother. I will not forget that, because i could see in your eyes you were happy, do you know why... cause you were going to church, you felt the spirit in your life and you were optimistic. Please think about that and take nyali to church help her and you understand you are daughters of a Heavenly Father that loves you and does want the best for you both. You just have to make the choices to allow him to do that! Darren is good, not perfect, he loves his daughter and obviously he wants to be apart of her life, but because you live on the other side the country she obviously can't have him daily,(which you both choose when you got divorced) but you can let him and us have a relationship with her. It all comes to attitude!
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