I love this picture! All of us girls(sisters) pretty as Princesses. That was so long ago. Things have shanged and half of us don't speak to eachother anymore. I guess time changes even family. Some times I wish that it didn't but others Im glad that is has. I love my sisters and always will. But this is my family when we were young, when things were simpler, and that was all we needed. Now things are more complex, we are older, and we think we need more than we do. Will we ever just be happy with the things we have? Probably not.

Thinking of what to do next...

I am sitting in my living room listening to music wondering what on earth I am going to do next. There are so many things I don't understand and probably never will. I know that I am alone in the parenting of Nyali, and Im finally getting used to it(if that is even possible). What Im not getting used to is how will I ever let this "other woman" even look at my child. I hate the thought of Nyali calling her mom or even step-mom. Im hoping she will always call her Ms. Rochelle.

What do I do next? Where do I go from here? How do I trust someone with not only my heart but with Nyalis'? She deserves so much more than a man that only says he will be there. She deserves a man that will actually be there no matter what! This beautiful little girl shouldn't have to be going through this crap. Is this my fault? Did I make her life harder than it should be? Could I have changed anything? Isn't there anyone out there that can give me some real answers? My childhood was horrible, I never wanted that for Nyali.

Darren had his first wife's house checked by CPS today. He said that her house was hazardous for Denali to live in. Is he going to try and pull that crap with me? Is that how far he will go to take my child from me? Does he really think I am no good for her? Does he think that I am going to let him take her from me? Is he really that conniving?

I am tormented every day with the decision I have made. I made that decision because I know its the best thing I can do for me and Nyali. I tried so very hard to keep my marriage alive but I wasn't good enough. I now cry night after night because I know I was not good enough for him. From the day he said I do, he had ideas of how to leave us. I found out about the lying and told him no more. I put my foot down and will keep my foot down.

What do I do next? How do I pick up the pieces of my broken life and put them back together?

I have just read a post from a very dear friend from California. Mellissa is the best person for giving advice even though she has no idea she is doing it. Mellissa this is for you!

I need to put my love and belief back in the Lord. There was a time that I was happy and He is the reason for that happiness. I have forgotten that even with the heart ache and the depression, He will always be there for me. I can not see Him but I know He is there. His Son and the Holy Ghost as well. I am not alone. My friends may have all deserted me but He never will. He tells us that in every scripture we read. I need to give it all up to Him. With His grace and love me and Nyali will see things through. There will be times when I don't think I can go on and times when I will want to give Darren everything he wants, but that is when I will quietly sit and bow my head, and ask Him for the strength to continue. If there is going to be a happy ending it is through Him. I know he will guide me through my choices and I know they will be the correct ones. I know that He is worthy of our hearts.

I am not going to be conniving and hateful. Not anymore. I can't live this way for ever. I will prosper because I am in the right. I will no longer pass judgement on things I cannot change. Its not me that has to answer for this. I have done nothing wrong therefore should not beat myself up about it any longer.

I wonder...

I winder what I am going to do on my one year anniversary. I wonder if he will be taking her out on that day. I wonder if it will even matter to him that one year has passed since we said "I will" on the sandy beach of South Carolina. I wonder if that day is going to come and go like nother ever happened or if I am goingt o break down. On September 19 I wonder who is going to be by my side and help me through. I guess I will only know when the day comes.

Just a verbal update on every ones favorite little monster!

This week we received the Your Baby Can Read learning dvds. Nyali likes them okay but she likes Blue's Clues better. I hope that she learns to like them better cuz man is it expensive. We will see if she learns anything. :) Today, we went to the water park and played in the kiddi pools. She did freeze when we took her out of the pool and went for a ride in the lazy river. She almost got a black eye today. Actually right next to her eye is bruised. I have no idea how it happened either. One minute she is playing just fine then the next she is screaming so loud. Then poof there is a bruise. She is getting a little closer to using her potty every day. Yay I can't wait till we have no more poopy diapers in the trash. Over the last few days she has began saying may new things. Hello, baby, whats that, yeah, bubba, and Grandpa over and over and over again. She is so funny. She loves her grandpa so very much. She looked in her changing table cabinet and said "Bampa"? I said no honey he isn't there. She ran out of the room yelling "Bampa! Bampa! Bampa!" Its so funy. Maybe I can get her on video so every one can hear how adorable she gets when she is looking for him. She has started singing in the car with the music and dancing in her car seat.

I want all those who have supported us, in our new way of life, to know that I am very grateful and appreciate all of the prayers. We wouldn't be able to get through the day with out you all. We love you very much and hope to see you all soon! (probably not real soon but you know what I mean)

Thought is was getting better. Clearly I was mistaken

It has to get worse before it gets better is what I hear all the time and silly me I thought it was getting better. Boy was I wrong. Why do people think that I chose this for me and Nyali? Like I wanted her father to do the things he is doing. Why would I want Nyali to go through life with two different houses, two different sets of holidays and family she has to choose between. I never wanted that for her. That's why I married her father in the first place, well that an I love him. Yeah I love him sill, not so many of the same reasons but I do still love him.

I don't want to be alone in the upbringing of our daughter or just alone for that matter. I didn't want to live with my parents again. I don't want to wonder how or who is going to help me watch the baby so I can work. That was all supposed to be easier. It was supposed to be him and I forever teaching our baby and watching her grow. Now it's just me and the family I have supporting me here. Their support is awesome but it's just not the same. He is supposed to enjoy pushing her on the swing and taking her down the slide. Coming home to her after a day of work and scooping her up into his arms, that is what he should be doing.

I really thought I was getting out of my funk. You know taking Nyali to the park everyday. Talking to friends again enjoying other peoples company, normal things. Then I get the blow that I wanted this(this life). That I am not doing everything in my power to make my life better. What else can I do? I do house work and yard work, play with Nyali, teaching her new things and make sure she is healthy and happy. How else, (besides taking handouts and using the welfare system, pretty much doing things less than what I am doing now) do I try to make our lives better? I had a job just a week ago but lost the only vehicle I could drive and had to quit till I get a car. Even working there I was only able to work 10 hrs a week because I cannot afford day care. If I get a job full-time then I will be paying a babysitter 75-80% of my paycheck every week. But if I don't then I am being "lazy". Maybe its because these people who think I'm a good for nothing mom, don't understand how hard it is to find someone that wont neglect your child or one that can possibly babysit for cheap or even free. They don't know that taking care of a baby all day every day with no break is more than a job. It's a life that you don't get to run away from. A life that needs more than just a paycheck. It needs love, appreciation, and support. With out even just one of those it falls apart. Now why don't they leave me alone. Let me do what I know how to do, love my daughter with all of my heart and give her exactly what she needs. Right now she needs her mom. Guess what, that is me and will never be anyone else. No one else can give her what I can. No other woman will ever fill my shoes, or the place I have in her life.

It's a set back when one of your family members tells you that you are being selfish. I'm selfish? The one that does everything for her child, and never does anything she wants to do like go out for an evening to spend some time with friends, go to a movie she is longing to see, or even sleep in for 30 minutes in the morning or go to bed early at night. I make sure Nyali always has me in the morning when she is ready for her day, even when I'm tired and worn out. I make sure she always has clean clothes for the next day, which means I stay up late doing laundry. Washing dishes, picking up her toys, reading her books, watching her favorite movies over and over (Blue's clues) just so she has a better day than the last. Shopping on the cheapest clearance rack or not shopping at all just so she might be able to get a new outfit. She even eats better than me. I eat what I can find when she is done eating what she can. I don't over indulge on over priced sodas or even a cheap bottle of wine for a relaxing bath. I do all things for Nyali. And they call me a bad mother?

pizza and dress up!

Pizza!

So some nights we enjoy having pizza for dinner. I know not very practical but she loves the crust and getting all nasty from the sauce. She is getting better at not landing it on the floor or on her new white shirt.

When she gets two pieces at at time the look is priceless. She starts laughing and dancing in her seat. My little girl the pizza lover!

"See mom aren't you glad we didn't have boring chicken and rice?" I can imagine that going on in her head.

Dress up!

Lets see what do we have going on here? Now those are Aunt Emili's gloves and fluffy socks. Nyali found them in a box Emili was taking to her house and decided that she wanted them instead of letting her loving Aunt take them home. Obviously it is just way too warm for gloves and fluffy socks but she doesn't care. To her they match perfectly with her preppy shirt and pink shorts.


Oh my! Then she found the Hooters socks Emili was selling in the yard sale. Now her head and her arms and legs were going to be super warm in the 99 degree weather.

Well she got tired of the sock being on her head but wanted something new for her beautiful outfit. She is ready for the fourth with her blue and red socks on either side of her white shirt. Still 99 degrees outside.

Im not going to say much about this one. Use your imagination!

(yes they are clean)

Now after a long day of putting on other peoples clothes falling asleep with her favorite beads is her best idea ever. She slept like this for a good 2 hours while I picked up the mess and put the clothes where they were supposed to go. There is no such thing as too young for dress up. Maybe next time I'll have a picture of her in my heals.

As for how we are doing, we aren't there yet but we are working on it. The days are not as long and the depression isn't as bad. We try to get out of the house at least once a day. Either to the park, the beach or out for a ride on the golf cart. Our options are endless, as long as it doesn't cost anything. We like free walks to the pier and running into oncoming waves. Nyali is not scared at all. She doesn't understand that the water will come back so she goes after it when the tide rolls back out. At the park her favorite is the swing but is starting to enjoy the slide just as much. We do that before nap time so she is good and sleepy. Then its lunch time with Blue's Clues. My favorite is the mail time song and Blue scidoo you can too. Oh wait, I was supposed to put Nyalis name in there instead of mine. oops. Okay so I like Blue's Clues too. Its just so catchy.

Pictures pictures pictures

Laughing at random things is her favorite game to play. I love it when she gets so excited and laughs louder than ever.

She loves wearing her dresses. If it were up to her she would be in a dress all day every day.

Nyali loves to brush her teeth. She only has 8 but it helps her get used to doing it on a regular basis.

Nyali got her very own potty today. She knows that it is for her but we haven't got any potty in it yet. We are excited to get rid of those stinkin diapers. Man are they getting expensive. Anyway, sorry it has taken so long to get more pictures up. Been a little lazy, but there is no excuse for my laziness. Hope you have all enjoed the photos. Trying my hardest to take more.

Ohh the pleasures of being a mom...

Nyali is doing some of the funniest things these days. Besides running around growling, and singing, she is marching through the livingroom with Granny. It's so cute, she gets he legs going and then her right leg comes straight out. She laughs cuz she almost falls over.

She blows the cutest little kisses, and claps at everything. With no pacifier and no bottle hanging out of her mouth, her jabber is starting to sound like french. Although noone else knows what she is saying I know every time. When she is wanting hugs she grabs my neck and squeezes so hardand makes an uhhh noise. We sit there and hug like that a few minutes then she kisses me and runs away. The sound of her pitter patter feet brings a smile to my face every time.

I love her so much. My little angel. The one person who I get up for in the morning.

Well we have made it back to my parents house. Nyali had ear surgery and hopefully her infections will subside for now. It was so hard letting her go with another woman, and then waiting till she woke up.

The life we were supposed to live is over but our new life will be better (that is my daily prayer). I thank my parents and my sister and brother-in-law for coming to get me. They put their lives on hold to help me and Nyali. I love my family so stinkin much.

Nyali is running now and is never still. She said grandpa tonight. I was out but my parents were here. Its great that they get to see her all the time now. Even though her tantrums are getting more adn more consistant, they love her to pieces.

I am going to be looking for work over the next few weeks(actually as long as it takes), so keep your fingers crossed that I can find something suitable for me and baby. I am so very sorry that I have yet to put pictures of how beautiful she is, on the page. Maybe, with some more help and not so much frustration, I will get her smiling face on here soon. Beach pictures are always the best ones.

Bye for now.

Manda

So I started a new job today. It was hard for me to leave my baby but I think the knowledge of not having a place to live or food to eat would be more detramental. I can say that I earned ever cent at work. It was tough and nasty, insulation hurts. I missed Nyali so muh and was about to give up and come home but then thought again about her life and I saw her pretty little face in my mind and told myself to hang on and it will be okay. I will go back tomorrow and touigh it out again. The paycheck at the end of the week will feel pretty good too.

My parents are leaving on Wednesday. I will miss them terrible but Nyali will miss them more. She just loves her Granny and Grandpa. Where ever Grandpa goes Nyali follows. Its really quite sweet.

We are celebrating Nyalis' birthday early. Tomorrow will be her birthday before her birthday. We are all excited. Wish us luck....no rain on the day of her party.


For anyone who knows what is going on, Darren has decided to reside in Utah. He has been gone now for one month. I am not going to say that I don't miss him because that is not completely true. I miss the grown up to grown up interaction and the help with the baby. I will not say that I do not love him becuase that also is not entirely true. I love him still for he is the father of my child, and I love him still because at one point we were the best of friends. Our marriege is over yes, but I am okay with that part now. Nyali is my main concern. My life is going to revolve around Nyali and her well being.

Good bye for now.